How are you doing?

"How are you doing?"

To no surprise, I've probably heard these 4 words more than any other over the past 2 1/2 weeks.
"How are you doing physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc, etc....?" Please, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the genuine concern from my family and friends, and yet, at times I struggle to answer this question.

I desire to share with all of the people how I am doing, but each moment is different from the last. One moment I am carelessly playing with Aubri and her Little People wisemen and the next I am fighting back tears and trying to swallow the huge lump in my throat.

I want to be transparent (making myself more vulnerable than I am comfortable with) so that I can share with you how compassionate and trustworthy our faithful God is...

It has been a struggle for me to be around people. I recognize I am vulnerable and weak, and so I simply prefer to avoid the potentially emotional situations. Wes is encouraging me and I am forcing myself to go, but I have found that even the events that I always enjoy, such as care group, Bible study, and even checking the mail, are hard. I don't like wearing a fake smile. I don't want to act like I am healing quickly and my heart isn't broken. I don't want to feel as though I am standing still, stuck, while everyone else is busily carrying on with life. So, when someone asks, "How are you doing?" often times my eyes well up with tears.

Wes and I continuously share our struggles with one another and he shepherds my heart so well. He encourages me to stay focused on the Truth and we fight daily for the joy we have in Christ.

In spite of all my efforts to stay clear of potentially emotional situations, the Lord has ushered people into our lives and into our homes that we (or rather, I) may not have otherwise let in. For example, yesterday a friend called and I thought I was supposed to watch her daughter while she was at a dr. appt. so I answered. It turns out, she had found someone else to watch her little girl but wanted to call and check in on me. We talked for a few minutes about how I was doing, about our children, and her school.
It was encouraging. It was from the Lord.

I called my mom yesterday afternoon. I was having a "moment" and was hoping for some encouragement. I knew she was busy preparing for her company coming into town in a few days, but she stopped everything she was doing to encourage me. She spoke Truth. She said exactly what I needed to hear. It was from the Lord.

Yesterday evening, a friend of mine dropped by to bring me some fresh cut flowers from her yard. She stayed for awhile. We both shed a few tears. I am realizing more and more that's ok.
She cares. She loves us. It was an encouraging visit. It was from the Lord.

Last night, I reluctantly went to Bible study. It is a group made up of my closest friends. I felt myself steering clear of certain conversations that could end in uncontrollable tears. But, I listened to their stories and really laughed. We studied James Ch. 4 and my heart was encouraged in many ways. It was from the Lord.

Today, a lady from my church called during Aubri's naptime (which seems like the hardest part of my day...) and said she was in the area and would like to bring us a meal.
How thoughtful and encouraging. It was from the Lord.

I am reluctant to let people in because I don't trust my own emotions, but, God is showing me that even though I may not trust myself, I can trust Him, and in spite of my own weakness He is faithful to provide for me, to encourage me, and love me. He is graciously comforting me through His people by ushering them into our lives at those perfect moments. Thank you, Lord, for comforting me even though at times I try to avoid it. You are so compassionate. Although I am weak, you are always strong and faithful.

Celebration of Life- Parents Tribute

Last Saturday, friends and family gathered together to celebrate the life of our son. It was a beautiful time of worship, praise, and a clear presentation of the Gospel of Christ.
We were blessed and God was glorified.

As Wesley Adam's parents, we had a few things we wanted to share about our son, our journey with him, and the testimony he leaves imprinted on our hearts.

Wes read these words.

"In order to speak about the life of my son, I really need to back up and provide a brief context. It was six years ago today, Jen and I said “I do.” We covenanted together before our Lord, friends, and family that we would be married to one another, “ for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.” We recognized when we made these promises that it wasn’t our love per say that would sustain us through the good times and the hard times, but the sweet sustaining grace and love of our heavenly Father. He would be our Sustainer, our Comforter, our Healer, our Refuge, and our Foundation.

As Jen and I look back over these past six years, which, by the way, honey, have been wonderful blessings that only the Lord could give, ;). We see many ways in which the Lord graciously matured our thoughts and affections- kindly preparing our hearts for this day. Today. Today is the day that we have come together to celebrate one of the most precious gifts the Lord has ever given us. Today we celebrate the life of our son, Wesley Adam.

Let me share with you all just a couple of the ways through which the Lord prepared our hearts and faithfully demonstrated to us that He is our Portion. For the sake of time, I’ll start just a couple days prior to the Thursday doctor’s appointment when we found out Wesley Adam’s diagnosis.

First, I had been asked to preach here at Redeemer. I had been considering and praying through a few different texts, trying to decide which one to preach. I had been walking Jenny through each one, as a time of family worship as well as getting some feedback on her thoughts. The main texts that the Lord had laid on my heart were (to state briefly):
James 1:2-4 - the theology of trials
Hebrews 4:1-11 - there is rest available for those who faithfully respond to God's Word
Matthew 14:22-33 – there is one proper confession and response for the believer- Jesus is indeed the Son of God thus we should worship Him.
Indeed, during these sweet times as a family, our kind heavenly Father was preparing our hearts.
Second, Jen is in a weekly book study with a few of her good friends. At the time they were studying "Lord, I Want to Know You" by Kay Arthur. Due to a variety of reasons, the group had been on the same 2 chapters for almost a month. She had read and reread those 2 chapters for multiple weeks now and had even mentioned to me that she was ready to move forward. Apparently, our wise Lord was not. The chapters they had been studying were the names "Jehovah-Shalom"- The Lord is Peace and "Jehovah-mekoddishkem"- The Lord who sanctifies you. Indeed, the Lord knew Jen and I needed to know Him as a God of Peace and a God who sanctifies. Jen’s group finally discussed these two chapters on the Tuesday night before the Thursday when we received the news about the condition of our son.
Indeed, our Lord of peace was maturing our knowledge and understanding of Him- preparing our hearts for what He already knew and we would soon learn.
Next, on Thursday, we had a doctor’s appointment in order to find out if we were having a little boy or a little girl. I remember that morning, about 6:00am, Jen rolled over and said, “are you sleeping?” J I responded, “not anymore, sweetheart. What’s going on?” She said, “I can’t sleep- I’m so excited about our appointment today!” During the sonogram, our sonographer stepped out to "go get some more tape" and a minute or two later our nurse popped in the room. She was a little confused. Apparently, the sonographer told her that she needed to meet in our room with our doctor, but Jen and I were the only two in the room. We knew something was not right. She left the room to find out more information. We were given a small window of time to pray. Again, our gracious Father was preparing our hearts for the news.
Finally, driving home from the sonogram appointment, Jen and I were crying and mumbling random thoughts back and forth to each other trying to make sense of the situation, when from the backseat of our car, we heard the voice of a little angel, "Mom-ma" "Mom-ma." At that moment, our heads cleared and we were able to gather ourselves. You see, many months ago, our kind Lord gave us a precious gift, our first child Aubri Ruth. On that day, and many since then, the Lord used our sweet daughter as a means of grace to comfort our hearts.

When we arrived home from our sonogram appointment our hearts were broken. The Lord used many of our family members and brothers and sisters in the faith to read scripture, pray, and speak Truth over us. I will never forget the Christian compassion displayed by many toward my family and me. Indeed, the Lord used you all as a means of grace in our lives.

As you can imagine, these are merely a few examples of how our kind Lord prepared our heart for this situation. He has continuously shown His steadfast love to us throughout all 31 weeks.

In the days after, we struggled through both hoping and grieving. Yes, we were given a very grim diagnosis for our son and yet, he was still alive and kicking. We didn’t want to fill the days with tears, and yet, we couldn’t stop them. But, the Lord could. And he was so gracious to do so. Sure there were moments of sadness and grieving, but the Lord’s peace filled our hearts. He enabled us to truly enjoy every kick, every sleepless night, and every moment with our son. Thank you, Lord.

We knew our time with Wesley Adam might be limited, so we wanted to enjoy life with him. We took him to a couple Razorback football games where we jumped, cheered, and called those hogs. We took him to the hot, sandy beaches of Gulf Shores, AL, to the Big Apple to visit his aunt and uncle, and to CA to visit his great aunt/uncle, and cousins.

We probably enjoyed life with him the most in our home. His sister loves lotion. She learned very quickly, that if she asked to “lotion bubba” the answer would always be yes. Many times (a day, J) Bri would gently rub lotion on Jen’s belly. For me, each morning when leaving and afternoon when coming home from work, I would give my two girls a kiss and my boy a love pat. Jen and I would often talk about him and to him. He was apart of our every day life. Indeed, God allowed each day with our son to be a sweet blessing.

Family and Friends, we cannot express to you our appreciation. You have displayed the Gospel to our family well. From the moment we knew about Wesley Adam’s diagnosis you have loved us by standing firmly by our side and bearing our burden with us… you stood on the truths that you confess… even when it hurt you to do so,

You were faithful to bathe us in Scripture that promised God’s goodness.

You were faithful to pray for us each time the Lord brought us to your mind.

You were faithful to send emails and letters, which God used to encourage our hearts.

You were faithful to feed us when food was the last thing on our mind.

you were faithful to dedicate yourselves before God, Jenny and me, and each other to walk this road with us…. And you have.

Redeemer body, you were faithful to walk with us in Christian love. Elders, you were faithful to James 5 and anointed Jenny’s head with oil and prayed for healing for our son. Because of your faithfulness to the Lord He has been glorified.

31 weeks in his mother’s womb was all the time the Lord gave us this side of eternity with Wesley Adam. But, those 31 weeks were used for God’s glory. God changed us and I trust He changed many of you. God touched the lives of people we don’t even know. By His grace and for His glory He continues to use the life and death of Wesley Adam to mold and shape others and us into the image of Himself. God is using a little boy with an under-developed brain who never even took a breath for His Kingdom purposes. No doubt, Wesley Adam Mills, Jr. is one of if not the most precious gift the Lord has ever given my family and me. Thank you, Lord.

We long for the day when You will return and make all things new, including the resurrected body of our son. Until that day, please spend our family for Your glory. To You alone be all the glory, forever and ever. Amen."

6 Year Anniversary.

We bear the light of the Son of Man

So there is nothing left to fear

So I will walk with you in the shadowlands

Until the shadows disappear

Because He promised not to leave us

And His promises are true

So in the face of this chaos

I can dance with you.

And we are dancing in the minefields

we are sailing in the storm

This is harder than we dreamed

But I believe that is what the promise is for.

Happy 6th Anniversary!

Dancing in the Minefields by Andrew Peterson

31 Perfect Weeks

On Monday, we went to see our ob/gyn. Because of all of the events of the weekend, we were glad they were able to get us an appointment. We sat in our nurses office and through tears caught her up on all of the details.
I had shared with Wes a day earlier, that Wesley Adam had not been moving much, if any at all. I had been on pain medicine because of the intense contractions
so we were hoping he was sleeping.
We went into the ultrasound room in hopes of getting a picture of our sweet boy
and to check his heartbeat.
The doctor was unable to get a good picture because of the Polyhydramnios-extra amniotic fluid due to not being able to swallow.
He also told us he was unable to find a heartbeat.

On Monday, November 22, 2010 Wesley Adam Mills, Jr. went to be with his Maker.
He lived 31 weeks in his mother's womb.
He was a good gift from the Lord.
The Lord was glorified and blessed many through his life and death. To God be all the glory.
Funeral: 10a.m. Saturday at Redeemer Church, 126 N. Judd, White Settlement, Texas 76108
Memorials: In lieu of flowers, a donation may be made to the Raimi Adoption Fund at Redeemer Church.
Survivors: Parents Wes and Jenny Mills; sister, Aubri Mills; paternal grandfather, Tony Mills and wife, Candice; Vickie Ramsey and husband, Ron; and maternal grandparents, Mike and Pam Carroll.

The facts.

The past few days have been a whirlwind of events and emotion. Wednesday night I began to experience pretty strong contractions that continued most of the day on Thursday. I called our nurse and she told me if we had another night like Wednesday night, we should go into the hospital to get evaluated.

Well, we were up most of the night Thursday night just hoping to make it until morning. Friday morning finally came. We made arrangements for a dear friend to come over to our house to watch Aubri and we went to the hospital.

Once at the hospital, we saw on the monitor that my contractions were regular and about 3-4 minutes apart. I had no sign of dilation so they determined that I was not in "active labor." I was given medicine to slow my contractions and pain medicine. I was sent home with contractions 5-6 minutes apart, but they were much more tolerable.

I slept most of the evening and through the night on Friday. On Saturday, I began running a fever. After talking to the on-call doctor, we decided to try and rest as much as possible. He gave us signs to watch for that indicated the need for immediate medical attention. The signs never presented themselves and my fever broke in the middle of the night. Thank you, Lord.

We are planning to go to our ob/gyn tomorrow and hopefully get a sonogram. Please pray for our hearts as we go tomorrow. The Lord willing, we will be able to get some answers to the contractions and fever, and check for dilation.

As you may suspect, this week/weekend has brought on much emotion. This part of our storm is very rough. I know this post simply provides the facts and leaves out many details of how we are dealing with all of the unknown. That day of sharing will come.
Today we are concentrating on our God. He is enough. He is good. And though at times we feel much hurt, the Lord never forsakes. He is always faithful. His grace is always sufficient. And by His grace, we trust in Him.

Kaden Wesley

Jenny and James are some of our best friends.
James works with Wes, and through our husbands Jenny and I have become close friends. They have been Aubri's babysitter the few times she has needed one, and Bri has become very fond of them...especially her "Dames".

They, too, are expecting a little boy in January. It has been fun being pregnant along side one of my best friends- to talk about all the woes of pregnancy, all of the excitement and anxieties, and about each doctor's visit.

A few months ago, James came to Wes and asked if it would be okay to give their son the middle name Wesley, in honor of our son, Wesley Adam. He told Wes that whatever the outcome is regarding our son, they would share with their son, Kaden Wesley, how the Lord used Wesley Adam to bring glory to Himself.

We were then, and continue to be humbled by their idea
And so very excited that the story the Lord is knitting together in our son
will be told through the life of another child.
To God be the glory, forever and ever, Amen.

Kaden and WA

30 week appointment

We had our 30 week ob/gyn appointment yesterday. I have always loved going to these appointments and yesterday was no different.
Our nurse is wonderful. I don't remember if I mentioned this before or not, but she loves the Lord so much. The week after we found out about Wesley Adam's diagnosis, she called twice to tell me that she was praying for our family and to encourage us in the Lord.
When we saw her yesterday, she did the same thing. It is a wonderful blessing to have a nurse that is walking through this with us as our sister in Christ.

We heard Wesley Adam's heartbeat. It sounds great.
It was about 145 beats per minutes, which is a strong healthy heartbeat.

He is kicking, hard. He is much more active in womb than Aubri ever was. I feel like his little personality and his strength are so different than his sister's. Aubri is so girly and delicate and WA is, well... such the little boy.

Our next visit, the Thursday after Thanksgiving, we will get to have another ultrasound! Yay!
I am really hoping for some clear pictures. The pictures we have from our specialist appointment are great to have, but they aren't very clear.

Alright...here ya go...Wesley Adam at 30 weeks.